Oscar WILD

Oscars. Shouldn’t come as any surprise that it's the topical soup du jour....

I love, and I mean LOVE, Oscar conspiracy theorists. Ya knowww, the people who say “Well it doesn’t matter who/what wins, it’s about the politics of it all” or “It’s all about what ‘message’ they want to project this year”

Remember when everyone got their cinematic panties in a twist because Crash surprise attacked Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture back in 2006? Never mind Brokeback consisted mainly of the THOUSAND angles one can film sheep (RIVETING) and Heath Ledger’s enunciation was about as comprehensible as Sarah Palin’s foreign policy. No, suddenly we were a nation taking a deliberate stance to trump racism over homophobia. 

 Seriously though, Ozzy Osborne couldn’t even understand him most of the time....

Perhaps. But I’m curious, if politics is the determinant for Hollywood's prestigious honor, does it work the other way around? Can Hollywood's gambits work for politicians? Take our pal Sarah, if it’s attention grabbing rhetoric she wants, why take the “Blood Libel” route when a good ole fashioned nip slip will do the trick? 

While the Oscars may or may not have ulterior motives, I have a hard time believing the major oversights in this year's nominations are the result. Or maybe they are. Maybe Christopher Nolan’s direction was just not green enough. So while Inception was ingenious, the gaping hole left in the Ozone as a result from all the electrical generators making Joseph Gordon-Levitt spin around a room is why Nolan was robbed of a nomination. (Even though he and his DP Wally Pfister shot every single frame of that film themselves, without so much as a second team, or third, or fourth)

But it’s Best Foreign Film that I really want to put in “crosshairs”...stay with me here. I know the category is about as important to most Oscar viewers as the “showering before you get into the pool” rule. But it’s incredibly upsetting that none of the films based on the Stieg Larsson trilogy got so much as a wink. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest were unbelievable. I watched the last of the installment this week and that movie makes eating pizza in a hospital room as suspenseful as Sam Mendes makes a windblown plastic bag beautiful...let’s not forget the films have been picked up for an American remake starring Daniel Craig and the ex-girlfriend from The Social Network, Rooney Mara. 

Rooney Mara's makeover to become character Lisbeth Salander

But there’s always room for surprise, and I’m still looking forward to the Academy Awards. Mostly to have answered the big WHY made for the choice of hosts, watch Warren Beatty try and keep his eyes on one woman if Annette Bening snags Best Actress, and see what will happen should Toy Story 3 take home the gold...Happy February!

"I Was Drunk and Angry...and Blogging"

I can’t say I’m entirely thrilled The Social Network swallowed every major Golden Globe it was up for, without spitting so much as a party favor out for Christopher Nolan’s Inception, but it was a pretty great movie. Or maybe I’m just dreaming, let me go spin my top...

Aaron Sorkin’s script was smart, clean, quick, everything good dialogue should be. Of course, he took some creative liberty, but who cares? So Zuckerberg wasn’t really anti-social, didn’t start Facebook over an ex-girlfriend, and in fact spent most of his time at Harvard programming and eating pizza.  What a sweet flick that’d have been. Lay off my boy Sorkin, people probably wouldn’t be ultimate fighting for tickets to a movie about Mick Jagger’s years at the London School of Economics either...(true story)

Justin Timberlake, ohhh Justin...I suddenly feel validated for my N*Sync years. Like it or not, that guy is a true triple threat. Not to mention he’s one of those celebrities you can look at and dub a sweetheart though you never have or never will actually meet him. So here is a virtual wedgie to anyone and everyone criticizing his performance as Napster creator Sean Parker. It was a job well done. And that’s not just because Justin Timberlake is a beautiful piece of meat...I’m sorry, the tween in me escaped for a moment, back in the cupboard with you! Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield were also noteworthy, though I’m pretty sure Eisenberg and Michael Cera once shared a uterus...

The movie was a sandwich of  “lack of credit attributed to young people, as brilliant as they may be, with a side of  “even youth genius is solely preoccupied with what is cool” And it was delicious. I have no complaints. (Save for one snide about Jewish woman, because you sons of Abraham are always a sheer DELIGHT) And any movie ending with a Beatles tune has got me. So while it may or not be the "film that defines a generation" it is a must-see, enjoy.

Stop Looking at Me Swan!

I didn’t want to do it, I really didn’t. I watched several other films just to get out of it but I’m sorry, it’s plaguing me like a bad hangover...it's Black Swan time.

I did not hate this movie.

I did not hate this movie.

I did not hate this movie.

You know, it doesn’t matter how many times I write it, the chalk just doesn’t make it true teach...

In all honesty, I did not hate it. But Darren Aronofsky’s latest tiptoes this indescribable fence between love and hate. It’s visually striking, it’s surprising, also not surprising, and an edgy lesbian sex scene is always an Oscar nomination flare gun. How do I put this, if the movie was candy, it’d have been a Warhead. Unpleasantly sour, but also sweet, though the punch of the sour was not nearly worth the sweet, and you really only ate it on a dare or because everybody else was doing it. Am I wrong? (You’re not wrong Walter) On the other hand, those Warheads were like crack on the four-square/wall ball backstreets of middle school, and similarly, I know people who are positively ape-shit for this movie. 

Where it went right: the acting. Amazing, but are we really expecting anything less from Natalie Portman, Vincent Cassel, and Winona Ryder? I never expect much from Mila Kunis, but even she nailed it...

Where it went wrong: I’m not interested in giving anything away, none of this spoiler alert garbage. All I can say is whenever the protagonist is the victim of psychosis, or schizophrenia, (it’s in the trailer, chill) you are opening up a can of worms that must be constructed very carefully. And if you’re doing so without Brad Pitt’s abs in Fight Club, I’m probably not interested. See, I ruined Fight Club instead, no worries...

So, in keeping with the theme of the film, I decided it’d be best to interrogate the authenticity of the world of ballet with an interview with my good friend and amazing ballet dancer Lizzie Cohen...

Q: How many years have you done ballet?

A: Since I was 9 years old, so 12 years.

Q: In all those years, how many cases have there been of dancers sprouting feathers?

A: None that I know of...

Q: I see, so is that just for dancers in Swan Lake then? Do you think they’d get a choice for which color swan possesses their psyche, like do you want a black or white iPod?

A: They do not get to choose their own color. In a performance I did, one ballerina never took off her feather headpiece until the end of the performance run so maybe she had the curse or whatever.

Q: How many fouettes are necessary to make one’s eyes all bloodshot like that?

A: Probably 66.

the superhuman Lizzie Cohen

In other news, I’m pretty sure my remote and couch cushion are having an affair. I feel like a tyrant housewife ripping through the living room screaming “where the hell is that little bitch, I know she’s here!” Dear Apple TV, next generation needs a bigger remote, this is America...Have a great week!

Welcome to the Machine

Here we go, a new year, a new impulsive list of goals we hope to cling onto until December 31^st, or better yet, forever. This year’s resolution, start a blog. I had my hesitations, but truly believe the cosmos are aligned or the stars are orbiting in a certain freaky deaky pattern, however the fuck that works.

Before I seduce you into reading further, or ritually, I feel its only right to buy you the proverbial dinner first. My greatest fear is having this turn into some type of Bridget Jones or Cathy cartoon car wreck and will prevent doing so at all costs. Should aaak every escape these typing lips, PULL THE RED LEVER and shut this mother down. This is no diary. Really though, I love love love feedback, it’s the main purpose of this blog’s existence.

So here’s what’s on the menu for this week....

I recently watched Drew Barrymore’s latest film Going the Distance. Now, this is the type of thing I would normally encourage you to keep towards the bottom of your list, especially when romantic comedies these days are often far too painful to sit through, even for me...but this one comes highly recommended cause you have Justin Long, Charlie Day of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Jim Gaffigan, SNL’s Jason Sudeikis, and Ron Livingston to ease the pain.

My beef with romantic comedies is not that they are not amusing, entertaining, what have you, but the very real way women have subconsciously come to believe the characters’ behaviors mirror real life, in any way. Too often do I see repercussions of girls, be it friends or drunk women in a bar bathroom, not recognizing they are in fact FICTION. He didn't surprise you with flowers? He's never filled a whole room with candles with a spontaneity that seemingly feels like it will last forever? Don't feel bad. All those candles are a major fire hazard anyway. And most men do not chase women through the airport on a whim. They just don't. If you think about it, the chances of them pulling it off with all the romantic fervor you see in the movies is HIGHLY unlikely given today’s terrorism-related anxiety measures. So kudos for you men that have even considered the notion.

Why not? Airport security’s why not. Remember when Ross could run right up to the gate for Rachel? Now, Hollywood has made such a shtick of men getting held up chasing the women they love into the airport, you know the bit: “I just need to talk to her for one second” Then **beep beep beep** I’m sorry, Sir, you’re belt, you’re keys, yadda yadda yadda...

...But I’m curious...what would TSA really do if men, in fact, wanted to accomplish this feat? I’d like some answers to the hard-hitting questions regarding O’Hare’s security stipulations: Is there a chasing women at the airport clause? If a guy looks flustered, he’s chasing the love of his life, puts the car at the curb, would you personally bend the rules, just for a minute? I mean, he looks like a good guy, with a nice smile, (maybe gives off that bitchin sense of humor vibe, too) Would it make a difference to you if they were chasing after the man of their life Mr. TSA man? What if it’s the woman doing the chasing? Something tells the movie would take more of a Fatal Attraction turn in such a case, stupid double standards... and something also tells most TSA wouldn’t allow it, ESPECIALLY with a hearty smile, as they reflect on the wonder of life, whilst shaking their head side to side, humming "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"

Hope your holiday travels were not delayed by some schmuck who didn’t realize he loved her in the damn car...