Bad Blogger

The long awaited time for a MMM blog posting is over...the longevity you will find to be despicable, I'm sure.

Unfortunately Mom, (and the few other poor souls I harass enough to read this) I have been busy in pre-production for a movie of my very own, one that I hope will someday be rhetorically barfed on like I do right here...

Do you ever walk away from a movie with the principal thought being, "Wow, Cameron Diaz was the greatest part of that whole thing?" Me neither. And Bad Teacher is no exception. Go see it as soon as humanly possible, you won't regret it. 

Bridesmaids of the Caribbean. Count it Devo.

I had the colossal pleasure of seeing not one but ONE phenomenal movie in theaters this week. And something else that left me distractedly curious if scurvy is really as bad as they say it is and faithless in today’s screenwriting.

Bridesmaids is not a chick flick. No, it’s not....no it’s not, no it’s not, no it’s not. Yes it has its flowery moments, but that churning in your gut is what we in the human race like to call a “feeling,” It’s ok, breathe deeply, you will get through it to see another glorious day filled with joy, muscle milk, and protein powder.  This “feeling” is what Jack Sparrow deems an acceptable “stirring” and if an androgynous, guyliner wearing, long braided and beaded haired Johnny Depp doesn’t exude the epitome and magnitude of raw masculinity, I’m simply clueless as to what does... (though I’d love to hear your ideas)

Sorry, but I refuse to oust the predominantly female cast of its rightful comedic credit by giving it the dreaded “chick flick” stamp. This movie should not be returned to sender. If it does not make you pee with laughter (or shit your wedding dress in the middle of the street) contact your physician immediately. These are symptoms of the rare but fatal hilarity constipation. Kristen Wiig is a seriously talented lady and a sharp comedienne and improviser.  Ditto for Maya Rudolph. Also a bit refreshing to see Jon Hamm play a douche that DOESN’T get away with it via charm, demeanor, or those green...green...so very green eyes. God I want to swim in those irises.

As for Pirates, let’s stay positive. It had some BRILLIANTLY strategically placed hair on a half-naked mermaid AND you’ll experience missing Keira Knightely for the first time. Johnny Depp will probably just claim he took the role to satisfy his kids’ wishes anyway. Oh thaaaat’s how the acting process worked? I get it now. Daniel-Day Lewis’ kids must be fucking loony.

Here's to hoping this week's optimism brings subsequent sunshine with it...happy summer!

Never Say Never Twice

Most often when I find myself sobbing at the end of a movie, it’s a result of being inexplicably moved, but surprisingly so. That being said, what was I expecting from a movie titled “Never Let Me Go”? Silly woman, trix are for kids...

TOP 10 Reasons You Should Not Shove this DVD under the leg of a crooked table but actually watch it...

10: Carey Mulligan is a brilliant, highly underrated actress. She penetrates every role she receives flawlessly, as she does here, and makes it look effortless.

9: It markets itself as a part period piece/part science fiction and does so without everyone turning out to be cyborgs in the end. Yayyy.

8: Andrew Garfield. Daaamn.

7. It’s both visually striking and aesthetically haunting. Hard to elaborate without spoiling it, so let’s just say the film was much like cast member Keira Knightley: pleasing, but eerily opaque and you just want something more to feed to it.

6. Based on Time Magazine’s book of 2005, Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, and films based on contemporary literature are boss.

5. Garfield, Andrew.

4. A stack of papers is much more effective for fixing crooked tables.

3. Keira Knightley was finally given the role she was born to play...annoying. Finally she’s the imposition, the 3^rd wheel, and not the love interest. Take that skeletor.

2. Weasley spotting! Weasley spotting! “It’s like watching a dog walk on its hind legs” Someone alert the ministry of magic Bill Weasley got lost and wandered into another movie.

1. Not altogether brilliant, but an impressive screenplay. The language definitely refrained from getting too flowery and cliché. Not that you give a damn. Shouldn’t have made this #1....

Also watched The Fighter (flawless) and The Switch (less than flawless). Have a great week!

The Hangover 1.5

Something about Zach Galifianakis makes me want to marry the man and breed thousands of Ulysses S. Grant-looking offspring...which is why another of his, Due Date, directed by Todd Philips, made this week’s cut.

Galifianakis’ performance, as always, and Philips’ road-trip-from-hell directorial notoriety make this movie the perfect dramedy. Or comra? Either way you’ll find yourself puzzled where the tears of laughter end and tears of empathy begin. “Dad, you were like a father to me...”

But don’t worry, you’ll have just enough time to breathe before you realize his breakdown regarding the recent passing of his father is actually incredibly poignant. Philips does a nice job juxtaposing the death of Ethan Tremblay’s (Galifianakis) father with the birth of Peter Highman’s (Robert Downey, Jr...and high man? hymen? really?) first child, So, while it’s not The Hangover, it is a worthwhile watch, and should hold you over until The Hangover 2. And maybe get out of the house once and awhile, go ahead, get up and take a walk, I'll wait...

If you’re like me, few things in this world bring as much satisfaction as watching Robert Downey, Jr. get angry. Then you’re in for a raging good time, pun intended. I suppose it’s his ability to take unbridled wrath, harness it, and substitute yelling and screaming with an insult that penetrates the very core of a person’s spirit. I.E. when he tells Tremblay his body will be among the thousands of carcasses of failed actors littering the streets of Los Angeles...a much more effective method, yet much more difficult to achieve. He’s evil you just hate to love, but do.

“But I heard it got really bad reviews” Can we really believe everything rated on a “tomatometer?” The 40% Rotten Tomatoes rating and its contributing critics are much like the nation’s current tomato supply: limited, and not even qualified enough for a Wendy’s.  But if you’re really that hesitant it won’t give you a laugh, a little glaucoma medicine never hurts.

-Where it went right: pretty flawless delivery by Galifianakis, Downey, Jamie Foxx, Michelle Monaghan, Juliette Lewis, and Danny McBride. Also a nice little cameo from Todd Philips himself (the guy living with Juliette Lewis)

-#1 underrated bit of dialogue: having been caught at the airport with a pipe in his carry-on, Robert Downey’s “That’s not mine. I’ve never done drugs in my life.”

Al Val's a Bitchass Who Doesn't Know How to Party But He Makes Me Write My Blog

Life is comprised of tiny miracles. Was that the moral of It’s Kind of a Funny Story’s...story? Well, then I’m a believer. Add on the fact that my astronomically gentile roommate managed to make a pretty mean matzo ball soup while we watched...call me Mother Theresa.

This film only further cements my belief that greatness in contemporary film comes from great literature. It’s Kind of a Funny Story is based on Ned Vizzini’s 2006 novel about a depressed boy who has himself committed following thoughts of suicide. Doesn’t sound like rainbows and puppies, I know, but rainbows are lame (unless they come in the “double” variety) and puppies are great until they dookie all over your house. The good news is this movie was delightfully, semi-predictable, and our apartment is totally dookie-free. Good movie, here’s a treat...

Zak Galifinakis makes this movie. No, Zak Galifinakis makes life. He has what I like to call the F Factor. F is for Farley. F is for Ferrell. You can look at him, in utter silence, and find him irresistibly hilarious. What IS that, the beard? I think it’s talent...which to my astonishment, he has in abundance. And while we cried laughing after he has a fight in the psychiatric ward with his wife, and walks out of the room claiming, “That was my accountant, I checked the wrong box. She got pretty upset about it.” We also cried...crying. He’s a man recovering a 6^th stint of attempted suicide, and gradually losing a relationship with his daughter and wife. An unexpectedly, impressive performance. Plus, he’s probably the only person in the world whose last name is commonly misspelled more than mine....2 Ns. It’s not quanntum mechannics.

Last thing, I just want to take a moment on Emma Robert’s behalf. I’m sick of everyone claiming she’s riding her aunt’s coattails to fame. That’s just not true. She’d have to be far less talented for that to be the case. (Something I like to call the Paris Hilton factor) But she isn’t exceptionally gifted either. How can I put this, Emma Roberts=vanilla yogurt. Everyone likes it, it gets the job done, it complements other things nicely like fruit and granola, but no one’s demanding vanilla yogurt on their deathbed. Key lime pie yogurt perhaps, but definitely not vanilla. Like Emma Roberts, the yogurt is white and sweet, but will never live up to the status of its iconic aunt...ice cream.

Now I’m hungry...

Oscar WILD

Oscars. Shouldn’t come as any surprise that it's the topical soup du jour....

I love, and I mean LOVE, Oscar conspiracy theorists. Ya knowww, the people who say “Well it doesn’t matter who/what wins, it’s about the politics of it all” or “It’s all about what ‘message’ they want to project this year”

Remember when everyone got their cinematic panties in a twist because Crash surprise attacked Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture back in 2006? Never mind Brokeback consisted mainly of the THOUSAND angles one can film sheep (RIVETING) and Heath Ledger’s enunciation was about as comprehensible as Sarah Palin’s foreign policy. No, suddenly we were a nation taking a deliberate stance to trump racism over homophobia. 

 Seriously though, Ozzy Osborne couldn’t even understand him most of the time....

Perhaps. But I’m curious, if politics is the determinant for Hollywood's prestigious honor, does it work the other way around? Can Hollywood's gambits work for politicians? Take our pal Sarah, if it’s attention grabbing rhetoric she wants, why take the “Blood Libel” route when a good ole fashioned nip slip will do the trick? 

While the Oscars may or may not have ulterior motives, I have a hard time believing the major oversights in this year's nominations are the result. Or maybe they are. Maybe Christopher Nolan’s direction was just not green enough. So while Inception was ingenious, the gaping hole left in the Ozone as a result from all the electrical generators making Joseph Gordon-Levitt spin around a room is why Nolan was robbed of a nomination. (Even though he and his DP Wally Pfister shot every single frame of that film themselves, without so much as a second team, or third, or fourth)

But it’s Best Foreign Film that I really want to put in “crosshairs”...stay with me here. I know the category is about as important to most Oscar viewers as the “showering before you get into the pool” rule. But it’s incredibly upsetting that none of the films based on the Stieg Larsson trilogy got so much as a wink. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest were unbelievable. I watched the last of the installment this week and that movie makes eating pizza in a hospital room as suspenseful as Sam Mendes makes a windblown plastic bag beautiful...let’s not forget the films have been picked up for an American remake starring Daniel Craig and the ex-girlfriend from The Social Network, Rooney Mara. 

Rooney Mara's makeover to become character Lisbeth Salander

But there’s always room for surprise, and I’m still looking forward to the Academy Awards. Mostly to have answered the big WHY made for the choice of hosts, watch Warren Beatty try and keep his eyes on one woman if Annette Bening snags Best Actress, and see what will happen should Toy Story 3 take home the gold...Happy February!

"I Was Drunk and Angry...and Blogging"

I can’t say I’m entirely thrilled The Social Network swallowed every major Golden Globe it was up for, without spitting so much as a party favor out for Christopher Nolan’s Inception, but it was a pretty great movie. Or maybe I’m just dreaming, let me go spin my top...

Aaron Sorkin’s script was smart, clean, quick, everything good dialogue should be. Of course, he took some creative liberty, but who cares? So Zuckerberg wasn’t really anti-social, didn’t start Facebook over an ex-girlfriend, and in fact spent most of his time at Harvard programming and eating pizza.  What a sweet flick that’d have been. Lay off my boy Sorkin, people probably wouldn’t be ultimate fighting for tickets to a movie about Mick Jagger’s years at the London School of Economics either...(true story)

Justin Timberlake, ohhh Justin...I suddenly feel validated for my N*Sync years. Like it or not, that guy is a true triple threat. Not to mention he’s one of those celebrities you can look at and dub a sweetheart though you never have or never will actually meet him. So here is a virtual wedgie to anyone and everyone criticizing his performance as Napster creator Sean Parker. It was a job well done. And that’s not just because Justin Timberlake is a beautiful piece of meat...I’m sorry, the tween in me escaped for a moment, back in the cupboard with you! Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield were also noteworthy, though I’m pretty sure Eisenberg and Michael Cera once shared a uterus...

The movie was a sandwich of  “lack of credit attributed to young people, as brilliant as they may be, with a side of  “even youth genius is solely preoccupied with what is cool” And it was delicious. I have no complaints. (Save for one snide about Jewish woman, because you sons of Abraham are always a sheer DELIGHT) And any movie ending with a Beatles tune has got me. So while it may or not be the "film that defines a generation" it is a must-see, enjoy.

Stop Looking at Me Swan!

I didn’t want to do it, I really didn’t. I watched several other films just to get out of it but I’m sorry, it’s plaguing me like a bad hangover...it's Black Swan time.

I did not hate this movie.

I did not hate this movie.

I did not hate this movie.

You know, it doesn’t matter how many times I write it, the chalk just doesn’t make it true teach...

In all honesty, I did not hate it. But Darren Aronofsky’s latest tiptoes this indescribable fence between love and hate. It’s visually striking, it’s surprising, also not surprising, and an edgy lesbian sex scene is always an Oscar nomination flare gun. How do I put this, if the movie was candy, it’d have been a Warhead. Unpleasantly sour, but also sweet, though the punch of the sour was not nearly worth the sweet, and you really only ate it on a dare or because everybody else was doing it. Am I wrong? (You’re not wrong Walter) On the other hand, those Warheads were like crack on the four-square/wall ball backstreets of middle school, and similarly, I know people who are positively ape-shit for this movie. 

Where it went right: the acting. Amazing, but are we really expecting anything less from Natalie Portman, Vincent Cassel, and Winona Ryder? I never expect much from Mila Kunis, but even she nailed it...

Where it went wrong: I’m not interested in giving anything away, none of this spoiler alert garbage. All I can say is whenever the protagonist is the victim of psychosis, or schizophrenia, (it’s in the trailer, chill) you are opening up a can of worms that must be constructed very carefully. And if you’re doing so without Brad Pitt’s abs in Fight Club, I’m probably not interested. See, I ruined Fight Club instead, no worries...

So, in keeping with the theme of the film, I decided it’d be best to interrogate the authenticity of the world of ballet with an interview with my good friend and amazing ballet dancer Lizzie Cohen...

Q: How many years have you done ballet?

A: Since I was 9 years old, so 12 years.

Q: In all those years, how many cases have there been of dancers sprouting feathers?

A: None that I know of...

Q: I see, so is that just for dancers in Swan Lake then? Do you think they’d get a choice for which color swan possesses their psyche, like do you want a black or white iPod?

A: They do not get to choose their own color. In a performance I did, one ballerina never took off her feather headpiece until the end of the performance run so maybe she had the curse or whatever.

Q: How many fouettes are necessary to make one’s eyes all bloodshot like that?

A: Probably 66.

the superhuman Lizzie Cohen

In other news, I’m pretty sure my remote and couch cushion are having an affair. I feel like a tyrant housewife ripping through the living room screaming “where the hell is that little bitch, I know she’s here!” Dear Apple TV, next generation needs a bigger remote, this is America...Have a great week!

Welcome to the Machine

Here we go, a new year, a new impulsive list of goals we hope to cling onto until December 31^st, or better yet, forever. This year’s resolution, start a blog. I had my hesitations, but truly believe the cosmos are aligned or the stars are orbiting in a certain freaky deaky pattern, however the fuck that works.

Before I seduce you into reading further, or ritually, I feel its only right to buy you the proverbial dinner first. My greatest fear is having this turn into some type of Bridget Jones or Cathy cartoon car wreck and will prevent doing so at all costs. Should aaak every escape these typing lips, PULL THE RED LEVER and shut this mother down. This is no diary. Really though, I love love love feedback, it’s the main purpose of this blog’s existence.

So here’s what’s on the menu for this week....

I recently watched Drew Barrymore’s latest film Going the Distance. Now, this is the type of thing I would normally encourage you to keep towards the bottom of your list, especially when romantic comedies these days are often far too painful to sit through, even for me...but this one comes highly recommended cause you have Justin Long, Charlie Day of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Jim Gaffigan, SNL’s Jason Sudeikis, and Ron Livingston to ease the pain.

My beef with romantic comedies is not that they are not amusing, entertaining, what have you, but the very real way women have subconsciously come to believe the characters’ behaviors mirror real life, in any way. Too often do I see repercussions of girls, be it friends or drunk women in a bar bathroom, not recognizing they are in fact FICTION. He didn't surprise you with flowers? He's never filled a whole room with candles with a spontaneity that seemingly feels like it will last forever? Don't feel bad. All those candles are a major fire hazard anyway. And most men do not chase women through the airport on a whim. They just don't. If you think about it, the chances of them pulling it off with all the romantic fervor you see in the movies is HIGHLY unlikely given today’s terrorism-related anxiety measures. So kudos for you men that have even considered the notion.

Why not? Airport security’s why not. Remember when Ross could run right up to the gate for Rachel? Now, Hollywood has made such a shtick of men getting held up chasing the women they love into the airport, you know the bit: “I just need to talk to her for one second” Then **beep beep beep** I’m sorry, Sir, you’re belt, you’re keys, yadda yadda yadda...

...But I’m curious...what would TSA really do if men, in fact, wanted to accomplish this feat? I’d like some answers to the hard-hitting questions regarding O’Hare’s security stipulations: Is there a chasing women at the airport clause? If a guy looks flustered, he’s chasing the love of his life, puts the car at the curb, would you personally bend the rules, just for a minute? I mean, he looks like a good guy, with a nice smile, (maybe gives off that bitchin sense of humor vibe, too) Would it make a difference to you if they were chasing after the man of their life Mr. TSA man? What if it’s the woman doing the chasing? Something tells the movie would take more of a Fatal Attraction turn in such a case, stupid double standards... and something also tells most TSA wouldn’t allow it, ESPECIALLY with a hearty smile, as they reflect on the wonder of life, whilst shaking their head side to side, humming "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"

Hope your holiday travels were not delayed by some schmuck who didn’t realize he loved her in the damn car...